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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

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At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa ! Who knew?

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One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

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There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

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You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

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A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

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Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know, 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!

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Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

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The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

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During a recent password audit, an employee was found to have the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouisDeweyDonaldPlutoGoofySacramento

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said, "Hello! The company policy is that it has to have at least eight characters and has to have at least one capital."

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A woman sued her local hospital saying that after they treated her husband recently he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology. All we did was correct his eyesight...”